#1 Japanese Medical Check-up Evaluation Form

The thing: Today I found a Japanese Medical Check-up Evaluation Form in my pocket. I have no idea if that is the actual translation for what is written at the top of the paper, but I think it pretty accurately describes the fine artifact pictured above.

The story: I teach English in a public high school in Japan. In April, all staff members at our school were required to undergo a medical evaluation to ensure that we were fit enough to endure the rigors of the Japanese public school environment. These tests included assessments of our liver function, hemoglobin, body mass index, cholesterol levels and all that other good stuff that one requires to be a adequate educator. Unfortunately, the morning of the check-up, I had been pounding Cafe Americanos like my life depended on it and had spent my entire first period resisting the urge to draw and quarter the students in the back of my class who were brushing up on their jousting skills in preparation for the upcoming Medieval Times tryouts. I was about as high strung as a tennis racket.

A few weeks later, I got the results of my check-up: Surprise, Surprise!!! My blood pressure was WAY above the normal healthy level, and I would be required to get it checked out my a physician if I wanted to continue my futile attempts at teaching my darling students English.

So, that brings me to today. I had my first experience at a doctor's office in Japan. Considering I've been living here for exactly one year (to the day!), I'm pretty impressed that it was my first time to consult a physician. One of the English teachers from my school who has been appointed as my "supervisor" accompanied me so that I could de-cypher the paperwork and let the doctor know that I wasn't here for a refill on my arthritis medication.

If you've caught wind of the rumors about Japanese clinics you've probably heard that they're chock full of the old, withered and worn. From my experience, that is absolutely, 100% accurate. The demographic breakdown of patients went something like this:

Japanese men over the age of 60: 45%
Japanese women over the age of 60: 45%
Japanese kids under the age of 12: 9%
Tall, skinny, blonde 23 year old, clueless foreigners: 1%
(This would be an excellent place for a pie chart. Once I figure out how to make those I'll stick one in here)

Alright, so there weren't actually 100 people crammed into the waiting room... more like 50. But you get the idea. Essentially, my supervisor and I waited for about an hour and a half in the Wani Shady Oaks Retirement Home lobby. I passed most of the time attempting to read The Very Busy Spider in Japanese. I decided that confirming the fact that I couldn't understand a book written for four year olds probably wasn't too great for my blood pressure, and piddled away the rest of my wait chatting with my supervisor.

Finally, they called me to sit on the bench closest to the doctor's office. I was on deck! My supervisor remained comfortably seated on her bench in the back of the waiting room. I was flying solo on this one! All of a sudden, I started to get really nervous and thought about all the awful scenarios that would arise if they confused my fumbled attempts at describing a blood pressure check for an emergency lobotomy or hepatic transplantation.

Much to my relief, the doctor whisked me into his office with a friendly "Hello!" (not "Konnichiwa"!). He spoke English quite well, and we had very little trouble communicating about what I needed to have done. Everything checked out normally with my blood pressure and he left me with a hesitant suggestion, very Japanese in its form:

"Maybe, eat less salt?"

So, I survived my first trip to the Japanese doctor without any personality-altering procedures or disfigurations. I got out of going to school for the entire morning (BIG +!) and now have peace of mind that I'm not some hypertense stressball that has blood pressure problems in his early 20's.